Thursday, May 19, 2011


Thanks so much to so many of you for your prayers for us this week. My appointment with the specialist went well Monday. There are still no problems with the cord, however my amniotic fluid continues to increase and the baby continues to do her acrobatic routine which makes us all a bit nervous.

My doctor at the specialist's office was much kinder at this appointment. Not a mention of words like "defect" or "problem." That was a good move on his part because I didn't have time to print out Psalm 139 and this hormonally challenged mama knows all 24 verses, was armed with a Sharpie, and spent an hour staring at a bare wall needing embellishment. (Yes, these days I'm one insensitive comment away from destruction of private property.)

I got to take Daniel and Brady with me Monday morning because the younger grades at our school had a teacher work day. They loved seeing their baby sister on the big screen. They kept saying "that's so cool" as red and blue lights illuminated the flow of blood to the baby and "oh, she's so cute" when we'd get a glimpse of her face. (I never realized my insides could provide such entertainment.) It was really a sweet time with them and was a comfort to me to hear them talk about her with such love and excitement.

I had another ultrasound today at my regular doctor. There was a bit of concern because the cord is again around her neck, but this time it's loose and not wrapped multiple times. There were no signs today of distress and my doctors felt it safe to go home.


The definition of the word "safe" has changed for me considerably over the years. It was a word I never gave much thought to until I became a mom--then suddenly I was obsessed with keeping my children safe. Safety seats, safety locks, safety seals, safety helmets, safety precautions. I realized about 15 minutes after becoming a mother--as I watched Olivia sleep out of fear that she might stop breathing--that keeping your child safe can become a full-time job if you let it.

So when we lost a baby at 36 weeks, my first thought was that I hadn't kept him safe. That somehow I should have known he was in trouble. That I had failed him as his mother. But then I remembered something that happened just hours before he died. Some day I will try to share it, but all you really need to know is that it taught me that there are no accidents. God knew the number of our son's days. He knew that January 9, 2004, his earthly heart would stop beating and this wasn't something that was supposed to have been prevented. And He also knew this mother's heart would be broken. He knew this because thousands of years before, Christ carried my sorrow to the cross. Knowing that this was His plan released me from guilt and freed me from fear.

But here I am again, wanting to keep this baby safe. And often I fall back into my old thinking. I'll wake up at 3:00 a.m. in a cold sweat and lay there till I feel a reassuring kick. And I'll think, "She's safer outside of my body, than within it."

That's when conviction pours over me and I remember God's faithfulness. That's when I surrender that the absolute safest place this baby could be is out of my reach and completely in His hands.

I know once she is born, my tendency to want to bubble wrap her through life will continue. I will have to fight it on a daily basis.

I had proof of this last Sunday as I put my 14 year old Olivia on a bus headed to Washington D.C. for their 8th grade trip. I wished I had been able to go as one of the chaperones, not just so I could enjoy this experience with her but also so I could keep her safe.

As the bus pulled away, I'm ashamed to admit that I said a prayer for her safety out of fear of the "what-ifs"--not out of surrender to God's sovereignty. In about 30 seconds I was able to come up with a hundred reasons why I shouldn't let her go. It wasn't until I actually thought about running after the bus, 8 months pregnant, and demanding that they let her off did I realize my foolishness. And once again, I realized that the absolute safest place she could be is completely in His hands.

I will go to bed tonight with complete peace that I don't need to count kicks or go back to the hospital to be monitored. It's simply because I know God loves this baby even more than I do and has a perfect plan for her life.

Much Love,



Sean and Lisa said...

Oh Kathie your posts always fill me with a deeper love for our Creator! I continue to pray for you and your sweet baby and tonight I will pray an extra prayer that peace surrounds you and His love will be a blanket upon you.
Sweet dreams...:)

Kat said...

Sigh (beautiful) and continued prayers....

ANDREA said...

I love you. I love your baby already. I love reading everything you write always bring it back to Him. Belly rubs to that sweet child. Tell her everything will be okay because God is keeping her safe!

Kristin Ferguson said...

Thank you for sharing your heart (as always). Your posts are always meant for me to ponder and to marvel even more at our Heavenly Father's love for us.

trustandobey said...

So glad to t hear your appt went well, Kathy.
I don't think we ever grow out of that consuming burn to thwart any and all harm from touching our children. When I feel especially obsessive about it, I am reminded that they simply don't belong to me.... even though I was the one that He chose to steward them through this life. Still, they are His completely. It is also a comfort to think in this light when they aren't particularly behaving.
Thank you for reminding your friends that everything is always best kept in HIS hands.... This is so true.

Sherry said...

I wanted to ask when I saw you, but I have seen you only briefly. Thank you for sharing your fears and your heart. Praising the Lord for His faithfulness to speak to you of His love and protection. Will continue to life you and yours up!

Beth in NC said...

Kathie, I think most of us Mom's totally relate with the need to protect and keep our children safe. That is always at the forefront of my mind too.

I pray that cord unwraps from your little one's neck in the Name of Jesus. I pray she will do whatever flips needed to do this.

God bless you as you lean on Him. (((hugs)))


Rebecca said...

I'm a first-time visitor to your blog, and I'm loving it. Praying that everything goes well with your pregnancy!!