Tuesday, December 21, 2010

Snow Globes and Special News

Okay. It's time for me to spill the beans. I've had much to share for a while but haven't had the words or the energy to do so.

I'll preface this news by letting you know that a few years ago I started collecting snow globes. I've loved them since I was a little girl. I remember having one of those plastic ones that could fit in the palm of my hand. I'd shake it and then watch the snow fall around the tiny scene held inside. For this little Georgia girl who rarely saw snow, I loved being able to make it a miniature winter wonderland whenever I wanted.

As much as I love watching the snow fall in these little globes, I prefer to have my own little world sit safely on a shelf. A few months ago I delighted in the fact that our life was finally stable, that we were securely sedentary after years of being shaken.

But several weeks ago, I started not feeling well. (Little shake of my snow globe.) I ignored some things for a couple weeks then finally called my general doctor and spoke with a nurse. As I explained my symptoms, I realized this was the same nurse that took a gallon of blood for my adoption physical. After drilling me with questions she asked, "Could you be pregnant?"

I laughed and explained that it wasn't possible. Years ago we had decided we were done adding biological children to our family, that I am well into my fortieth year, and we have almost finished our paperwork for our second adoption. I explained that I was probably starting to go through "the change" (or perhaps my body was still holding a grudge from the gallon of blood she recently took). I reminded her once more that I am well into my fortieth year just in case she didn't catch that the first time. She said that she'd make an appointment but I could take a home pregnancy test if I wanted to rule that out before coming in.

Since my bathroom cabinets are stocked with anti-wrinkle cream--not early pregnancy tests--I headed to the drug store. I grabbed a generic one. I wasn't going to spend more than I had to just because some crazy nurse needed proof that I wasn't pregnant. The teen check-out clerk gave me a look that said, "Umm. Not an item I see many middle-aged women buy."

The next hour was spent alone in my bathroom. I have been there before many times--sitting with a pregnancy test in hand, too nervous about the results to actually do it. All the other times, what my heart wanted more than anything was for it to be positive. Many times I sat on the bathroom floor and cried because it wasn't.

The last time I took one of those tests was almost 7 years ago. Three months earlier, we had lost a baby boy at 35 weeks that died due to an umbilical cord knot (Luke's story is here). As much as I dreaded being pregnant again, we needed a new life to give us hope. I needed to deliver a baby that would cry, that I could hold in my arms, that I could parent till I'm old. My girls needed to come to the hospital--not to say good-bye to their new sibling, but to proudly bring him home. My husband needed to see his family heal and our family needed to see God's goodness and mercy in our lives. And God was so gracious to give us Brady, due exactly one year after we had lost his brother.

But once he was born, we knew that we were done adding to our family biologically. It was just too physically and emotionally difficult. We had always known God had called us to adopt and felt peace that this is how God wanted us to complete our family.

And so on the morning of November 1, I sat on the cold tile floor working up the courage to take the test. I knew that if the outcome was positive, I would once again have to go down a path that at times ended in overwhelming joy and other times ended in overwhelming pain. (I've had three first trimester miscarriages in addition to our full-term loss.) As much as I would love a house full of little people, I wanted the door marked "Pregnancy" to remain closed.

I finally took the test.

Within seconds that second line appeared telling me that I was pregnant.

Shake, shake, shake of my world.

I was truly so stunned that I couldn't process it. Sometimes my computer freezes up when it gets overloaded with stuff I'm trying to do. I just turn it off and re-boot it later. That's just what I wanted to do. Shut down and re-boot at a time that I'm able to handle it.

But since I don't have a Control-Alt-Delete feature, I just sat on the floor and wept. I wept out of fear of what might be ahead. But, most of all, I wept out of gratitude that God would entrust us with yet another little life. Humbled that, in spite of what I assumed was His plan for our life, His plan was always so much better.

My husband didn't believe me when I called him at work to share the news. Neither has anyone else. The typical response is: "Yea right. Are you kidding? You're not kidding? Wow!" Sometimes instead of the "wow" there's hysterical laughing.

Our four children were excited from the minute we told them. They were shocked, yet overjoyed. But their first question was, "Can we still adopt?" We had already chosen a little girl in China and for months had talked about her like she was already part of the family. We are still trying to decide what to do and I'll share more about her in the coming days.

And so here we are. I've reached 14 weeks so I'm finally able to feel excitement that this baby will be okay. This pregnancy is the reason I've been such a pitiful blogger and bloggy friend. The past three months have completely wiped me out physically and all I'm able to do is the day-to-day caring for my family, but I should start to get my energy back soon.

We are still diligently seeking God's will regarding the little girl we were about to adopt. Please pray for us to have wisdom and clarity with this situation.

We are learning that it doesn't matter how much you are shaken if your footing is firmly anchored in the One who sustains us. And we are grateful for the breathtaking snowfall of goodness and mercy that God has brought into our lives.

Much Love,


Teri said...

Oh Congratulations!!! I am so happy for you and I promise I will be praying for this new one and the precious one in China and all involved in that decision.

Sean and Lisa said...

Oh my goodness Kathie how exciting! Isn't God amazing?! And what a sense of humor, huh?!

What a terrific unexpected Christmas gift!!

Prayers for clarity, direction and God's perfect leading in the adoption of your precious girl.

And yes...what a breathtaking snowfall of goodness for sure!

Merry Christmas and Much love!

Kat said...

Though your journey has not always been easy (understatement) I am so joyous for you. I will be praying for you daily...the health of your precious little one and guidance about and to your future little ones.

If you feel comfortable I will place a prayer for your family on Momentum's prayer request list (I place it after every blog)...ONLY if you feel comfortable.

Just know I'll be praying and am doing a little happy dance. God is so good and I can't wait to see what He does in your lives!!!!

Five Cajuns and a Fundraiser said...

KATHIE!!!! OH MY GOODNESS!! YEAH!!! Oh my heart is so full of smiles right now for you. I know it's scary and you're worried about your new baby and you little one in China but OH MY GOODNESS! So happy for you. Okay, my husband is wondering why I am smiling at my computer so much! Thrilled, you are blessed!

Love wins,
Renee Tam

Jessica said...

Congratulations! I'm so happy for you! What a wonderful blessing!

TanyaLea said...

Oh Kathie ~ CONGRATS!!! God works in mysterious ways, doesn't He!? But what a beautiful little miracle... I can only imagine the emotions that you must've been feeling from disbelief and denial, to complete joy for the future! God is a rewarder of those who diligently seek Him, and clearly He has seen fit to bless you yet again! I will certainly be praying for clarity and wisdom about the adoption, too. He WILL see you through... just keep your eyes focused on the path He has lit before you, and everything will turn out as it is supposed to.

Merry Christmas and I pray you are feeling better with each passing day! <><

Blessings and Hugs,
~ Tanya

Rachel said...

God is so good. So good.

Kristin Ferguson said...

Wow Kathie! You sure know how to serve up a Christmas surprise! Congratulations is an understatement but I'm so happy for you and your family as you add another (possibly 2) blessing to your family! Thank you for letting the blog world in on your special secret so we could share this exciting time with you!

Karen said...

Wow! Wow! That is so exciting! I love your description of your conversation with the nurse and how you mentioned your age twice. :) I just turned 40 this year and as I read your story I put myself in your shoes and imagined all the complicated emotions you must be feeling.

Kathie, congratulations! May you and your family be truly blessed...both in this Christmas season and in the journey that God has prepared for you.

Shanny said...

So very excited for you and your family. God is amazing! His plan is always so much better than any plan we could possibly dream for ourselves. Congratulations!! Praying for you all.

trustandobey said...

Wow is my first response, my last and all I can think to say in between:) I understand your joy and excitement and your angst. I hope your energy returns soon and that this pregnancy goes smoothly for you both. Looking forward to news about the little one in China as well. Merry Merry Christmas to you and your growing family!

Jill said...

Congratulations! I will be praying for you and the decisions ahead of you. May God give you and Brad wisdom, discernment, joy, and peace. He who knows when a sparrow, holds you in His hand. Praying for His perfect will to be done for you guys. Regardless, I am rejoicing in the growth of your family.

Annie said...

Praying for you and your decision and this new little blessing! Congratulations!!

brooke said...

I found your blog several months ago and have so enjoyed reading your thoughts. CONGRATULATIONS on this amazing blessing! I am holding you and the sweet little one you are carrying in my prayers, and I am praying for discernment for you and your husband regarding your adoption. Blessings for a delightful Christmas and a joyous 2011!

Tracy said...

Kathie, this is such awesome news. I am lifting you up to our Father even now! What a blessing to know that there is a little life in you and you will be 'Mommy' to one more little boy or girl Williams!! Praying God's perfect peace over the next 8 months and beyond..:0)

Angie said...

Oh, Kathie, I'm so excited for you! No doubt, God has wonderful plans for your family right now. Praying for clear guidance, and I also can't wait to hear about this little girl in China!

The Tam Family said...

Merry Christmas Kathie, hope you had a wonderful day!

sierrasmom said...

OMGosh!! Wow!!! What wonderful news!! I have been so waiting to her news along the adoption front and I never even thought of this!! How exciting and scary too!!God is certainly full of surprises!! Can't wait to hear more. I will pray for guidance!!
Much love

ANDREA said...

Oh I just loved reading about your trip to the bathroom!!! I am still over-joyed for you!! Love you!!! A.

ANDREA said...

Oh I just loved reading about your trip to the bathroom!!! I am still over-joyed for you!! Love you!!! A.